I know 32 ways to make you smile.

All of this is starting to stress me out, I can feel it building and building.
And the pressures growing and the time is running out.
And I don't know where I'll be yet but I'm trying to stay calm
because I know where ever I end up that's where I'm meant to be.
I'm so ready to quit my job and be done with all this highschool stuff.
I'm anxious and restless and I feel like I want to scream with it all.
I feel like there's no one to talk to and no one to tell. No one who gets it.
And then I met you, and all of that changed.
I didn't feel lost anymore and for the first time I could breath and smile with out feeling like I was procrastinating.
And then you went away and got yourself new friends and that pressure came back and you never did.
I'm hoping someday you might, but for now you'll go your way and I'll go mine.
You'll figure out you who you are and I'll just keep doing what I'm doing until you do.
But there is a one thing I want to say and that's 'I'm still loving you even though your girlfriend is annoying as shit.'

Good night.

asf.

I'll miss you when I go to college.

Here we go, here we go again.

I dont know why I'm still so surprised when people let me down.
I'm too objective..... I giving the people the benifit ot the doubt when really they're just selfish.... and that makes me really sad.
And I keep giving myself to all these people.... and then I wonder why I feel so empty.

But the really sad part is that I know I'll keep doing it.
And I'll still be surprised when the next person turns out to be different from what I thought.

wolf.

NPD

I feel like I'm in a really good spot right now...there is still a whole lot I know I want to do but I think I'm going to be okay.....

PNCA = Love!
CCA = Love!
MICA = Like
SAIC = Scratch
SVA = Scratch
PARSONS = Scratch
CU = Add!

It's just been... one of those days.

I got a little stressed out there today.. just for a minute. But it wasn't fun. I went to the bank to report something about my card being used and the teller was giving me a really uncomfortable vibe ..... and then it just progressively worse.

It's weird. And as I was listening to her say the same thing over and over again, all I could think about was how people act 'professional' and how it's not really how they are in real life.

I dont know..... It just wasn't a good day.


I also had this dream...and I work up sad to realize that it never actually happened.

This is about you.

Static.

And still nothing.

I'm going to stop pretending that I can relate to anyone.

One of those days

I had a lousy day at work.... I cant relate to anyone there and no one ever hears me.
I got bailed on for tonight.
I lost my awesome cigarette case which has my bank card, my license, pictures, and all my frequent buyers cards in it.
I have no motivation to do any work what so ever.
And he's still with her.


It's just been one of those days.

Dear Season,

I just want to post this cus it's cute. My face paint for Halloween.

Triangles, circles and passing time

So I dodged a bullet today... but It'll come back around tomorrow. Someone asked me to dinner...someone I'm not attracted to....
At first I really didn't know what he was talking about, then I figured it out but luckily I made an escape before I had to answer.

But when he asks me again, I'm just going to tell him I'm in love with someone, 'cus I am.
Anyway, I finished this today.

New York City, you're so pretty.

So yesterday I went to SVA's open house, and boy was that an experience. It started at 9am so I had to leave my house around 4 in the morning to get there in time. Well we made it there and it was AMAZING! The school was incredible and the presentations were awesome! I would L O V E to go there. Unfortunately though, it's so expensive that I don't think I'll be able too....... but we'll see. Who knows what could happen.

Anyway, before we got to the open house, we had to park. We had passed the garage and made a loop around the block and as we were looping (is that a word?) we came across a street that had a parking spot. At least, we thought it was a parking spot. There were cars all around us and we were behind the yellow line, and there was absolutely no sign that said we couldn't park there.... turns out it wasnt a legit parking spot. We get back to where we parked, after walking in the pouring rain, and it was gone. We ended up walking over 12 blocks to the pound were we stood in line and waited for an hour to get our car. Thank God it was only an hour wait and not three..... we then drove home, miserable and wet and in the dark.........Quite a story for my first time in New York.

In other news: here are some sketches I did at a figure drawing class the other night.

Apples.

so if I just exist for the next ten minutes

Hey, I was thinking about you.
Just thought you should know.

the art of invisibility.

I just hope something really good comes out from all of this.

So right now in class we're working on a figure painting. Mines coming along, and hopefully I'll be happy with it by the end of the last session. After we finish this one, we're going to paint a landscape and then another figure I think. That'll leave us with 5 finished paintings. Two stills, two figures, and one landscape. We'll probably do one or two more after that, but I'm not sure.

I'm beginning to get nervous again with this whole school thing. I just want to do somthing that's really impressive....I want to blow somebodys mind.

It's scary, to know that someday soon I'm going to be leaving all of this. After this it's just me and whatever is out there waiting.

I'm scared.
I'm excited.
I'm anxious.

That's it.

p.s. I miss you.

Polar bears would be invisible if it weren't for their black noses.

Eh, nothing really eventful has happened.... I guess you could say I'm feeling a little less angsty.... no wait.... I'm really not. I did have a head could though. I'm over it now.

Wow, it is going to be a really really long two months.

I started a new illustration. Hopefully it will turn out really awesome and I can post it here. I already know what it's called, which usually doesn't happen. I'm calling it 'Moltie and the Fox'. I'm not sure who Moltie is yet... we'll see. The finished drawing is only going to be about 7"? It's almost square. I guess that's kinda small. Maybe I'll do a 'Moltie and the Fox 2' and it'll be bigger.... and on wood... and in oil paint. We'll see.

I have a few sketch pages though.

That's it for now.

Well, just another day in the life of I guess.

Now the sky is a torn up denim.

I finally finished the third piece in my "birds make noise" series. This one is called 'Whisper' because of the colors and because of the subtle power behind it that whispers also have.
I'm happy with it. I want there to be a total of 6 pieces in the series, so that means there's three down and three to go. I'm thinking the last one wish be called 'Silence'... that seems like a fitting end.

In other news, I'm beginning to feel overwhelmed again. I forget how many months I have until I have to submit all of my applications to schools...but it's still looming.
This is the list: Parsons The New School, SVA, MICA, PNCA, SAIC, CCA, and Cooper Union
The more I think about it, the more I want to go to Portland..... I hear it's incredible there. I really have no idea...

Then there's the fact that I'm emotionally exhausted, though anyone who has been fallowing this knows that. (not that anyone is fallowing it)
I'm just trying not to think about it... though then I end up watching movies by myself and thinking about it anyway....

For now I think I'm going to try writing as much as possible....for now. And continue to fail at playing the guitar.

And because I have this weird desire to change my hair every time my life takes a new turn, I will be cutting and coloring it tomorrow. Maybe I'll even put up a picture.

Well, that's it for now.
Good night.

FML

I dont know how I'm going to tell you this............. to your face.....




I think I'm in love with you.

Chapter Eight

swelling.

Up, up, up.

I've never seen an expression be so honest; like dust and trees and cardboard boxes, they just are what they are. You are too.
And though I don't understand every decision that you reach, I can see the gears turning behind your eyes and I know that the spark is not compulsion.

You search. You react. You conclude. You know.

And that's the way it's meant to be because that's the way it's happening. Though, there's still your expressions, your eyes, your blaze.... the rawness of your gaze....
and my honest thoughts to your honest face.

For every bird, last word and shopping cart.

It's amazing how... stagnant the days can sometimes feel, but it's even more so when they're not. When we become stirred, no longer standing water.

The air was nice today; cool, crisp and moving; soft. The walk to class was short.

We liked the same songs.

I've been feeling weird for the passed few days, very hollow and distracted. I feel like I cant concentrate, my mind returning back to the same thoughts.

I guess it just takes time and eventually I'll either forget or it'll just become so vague that it no longer matters.

Oh, and oil paint hates me.

watch you arrive, smoke cigarettes, sleep.

I'm trying to learn 'A Wish' by Gregory and the Hawk on guitar.. even though I can't play guitar. I'm teaching myself tabs, which is fairly simple to understand, you just have to know how the song goes.

I'm making slow progress... but I just think it's a mater of training my fingers to reach around the neck and that should take a fare amount of time. Once I train my fingers though, I think I'll be able to do it. I'm good at memorization.

But I hope it works out for me. I'm not going to 'really' learn to play... I'm not muscly inclined, but I would like something to do when I'm just sitting around.... I thought finger picking could be nice.

I also like that it takes concentration... it's a good thing to do when my mind begins to wander to things I'd rather not think about....

I hope I keep with it.

I keep floating down the river, but the ocean never comes.

So another day has drawn to an end. I'm wearing that sweatshirt, the one I wore to your house when we stayed up till 4 in the morning. The one with stripes.

Its the coldest its been all month. I guess that means summer really is over; the season's changing.

I hate dealing with internal struggles, mostly because the only person they affect is me. Not that I want anyone else to be burdened by them, it would just be nice to know that someone else gets the scattered indecision's of my mind.

I should really go to sleep. We're paining in class tomorrow... and I forgot to get jars......

Good night.

I'm sorry I missunderstood, but i'll recover.

So, that's not what I expected to happen... but that's life.

I'm taking a class... its incredible!
Here's a video of me saying so! (:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HTKV-r1xeN0

I think one of the most beautiful things about the way life plays out, is that it is not predictable and that things dont always go according to plan.
(500) Days of Summer has a scene that compares Tom's expectations to his reality. It is so accurate to how life actually works, well mine any way. Especially recently.
But it's not a bad thing... there is a loveliness about it.

And it really is beautiful, even if we don't realize it straight away.

they are bluelike stars.

I've finally started to realize that my life is about to change drastically. Everything I know and have known... it's all slipping a way. I'm glad of it though, grateful for the prospect of new things. I need that stimulant to keep me going.

And even now, when I find myself obsessing over every inch of what needs to be done, there is still a sense of peace.

It's beautiful.

maybe this year will be better than the last.

Black Circles

I just took a shower, and there is still make up on my face... uh... ah well.
The show we did today was at this really really beautiful art school. The location is just amazing.
There are these incredible bronze statues all over the place that are just amazing to look at. I think I heard someone say that they were from either France or Italy. Either way they are just incredible.
I'm going to make a point to drive out there a few times this fall and do some sketches of them.

Well that's it for now I guess.

Good night (:

Video>pictures.

Yeah so.... I'm really lazy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=usttNDwMjjg


Oh, and I hate little immature high school girls. Like come on! Worry about your own life and stop gossiping about mine.

home away from home.

So looks like I suck at this everyday thing, but then again, not much has transpired since I did this last.

I'm hungry, but I know that if I go look in the fridge, there will be absolutely nothing there to fill me up.

Two shows of the Tempest today.

...its really hot.

Okay, so technically, I missed a day, but I'm not going to count that since I haven't actually gone to sleep yet.

I worked on that painting a little more, though I'm way too lazy to take a picture of it and post it, though, I have to say, it doesn't even remotely resemble what it looks like in that picture. Maybe when it's finished I'll post a picture. Not that it really matters, because it's not like anyone but me sees this.

I'm that much farther in my journey of "working on my portfolio and applying to art schools".
Now that I think more about it, MICA is starting to move up there with SVA and Parsons.... but we'll see.

Oh and fun fact: It looks like I'm going to be taking an oil class at PSU this fall. We'll see how that goes! Should be an adventure!

Night

Last night

I wanted to go to sleep, I laid down and everything, but my brain just started going crazy, and I became very uncomfortable; twisting and turning in my bed.

So I read some Harry Potter....and that didn't help my anxiousness. Basically I ended up wandering around my room, my mind in a frenzy of random thoughts. Ever feel like that?

My mind started to drift towards school and how I still have a lot of work to do to prepare for my portfolio. I want to go to New York... That's scary.

My fingers started itching to paint, draw, do something! So what did I do at 1 o-clock in the morning? I tore out a sheet of biggie sketch paper, pinned it to my sketch board and slapped some paint on it.
I'm going to call this a study, since I had no goal or idea to influence my stroke decisions; but I don't entirely hate what happened, so I'm going to continue to work on it and see what it becomes.

I also did another study. An explosion of thin pigment liner and a not so subtle sharpie all over a page of rejected watercolor paper.
Nothing special really came with it except maybe the notion to be more relaxed while using a pen.


Well, bye for now.

Ready, and Go.

For real this time. I'm actually going to do this... I know I always say I will, but I'm serious this time..... really.

So, everyday, I'm going to write.
I cant guarantee that it will be intelligent, interesting, or in anyway thought provoking, but I'll do my best.
Who knows, every once in a while, it may be all of those things.

So prepare yourself for poor grammar, bad sketches, deranged ideas, or whatever else happens to be part of my day..... for this is as good as it's going to get.


Oh and if you get the chance, I highly suggest you watch 'The Brothers Bloom'
It was a simply fantastic movie! Absolutely brilliant!

Good night for now.